Why Saying ‘Just Monitor Their Phones’ Isn’t Good Enough

“I know what happens when we normalise harmful coping mechanisms.”

This comes from lived experience — not theory.
And it’s why I cannot ignore what we are asking parents to manage alone when it comes to children and social media.

As a single mother, I understand deeply the importance of the choices I have to weigh up for my kids. One of its clearest lessons is this: prevention is always easier than repair. Not everything heals cleanly. Not every pattern reverses. Some damage stays with us for life.

Yet when it comes to social media and children, we keep pretending that vigilance at home is enough — that parents can simply “monitor phones” and all will be well.

It isn’t. And it won’t be.

Developing brains are not miniature adult brains

A growing body of international research shows that spending long periods on social media during key stages of brain development is linked to lasting changes in attention, emotional regulation, self-esteem and how the brain processes reward. While children’s brains are adaptable, neuroscience also shows that there are critical developmental periods. When these are disrupted, the effects can carry through into adulthood.

In simple terms: some habits shape the brain in ways that are hard and sometimes impossiblee to undo later.

This matters for all children — but it matters especially for children with neurodivergence, including ADHD and autism. These children are already more vulnerable to dysregulated reward systems, impulsivity, rejection sensitivity and anxiety. Platforms designed to maximise engagement do not simply “entertain” them — they exploit neurological differences.

That is not a parenting failure. It is a design problem.

The impossible position parents are put in

We talk a lot about “parental responsibility” in this space, but far less about parental reality.

Many parents understand the risks of social media. They delay phones. They restrict apps. They set limits. And then they watch their child become the only one not included in group chats, jokes, trends and friendships that now live almost entirely online.

Parents are forced to choose between:

• protecting their child’s developing brain, or

• protecting their child’s social belonging.

That is not a fair choice.
And it is one that disproportionately falls on mothers.

The emotional labour, the second-guessing, the guilt — am I harming them by saying no? — adds to an already heavy load. This is not empowerment. It is abandonment by policy.

Why this shouldn’t be an individual parenting decision

We don’t leave everything to parental discretion.

We don’t ask parents to individually decide whether their child can:

• buy alcohol,

• gamble online,

• drive without a seatbelt,

• or access adult content.

We set age limits. We regulate. We remove the argument from the kitchen table.

Not because parents are incapable — but because shared standards protect families.

When an issue affects children’s mental health at scale, it becomes a public health issue, not a lifestyle choice.

Prevention is not control — it’s care

We need to talk about breaking cycles before they become the norm. We need to talk about intervening early, even when it’s uncomfortable, because waiting until harm is visible often means waiting too long.

Social media has become a normalised coping mechanism — for boredom, loneliness, anxiety, validation. We know how dangerous it is when societies normalise harmful coping strategies and call it “personal choice”.

Children deserve better.

Parents deserve support, not blame.

And prevention deserves the same respect we give it everywhere else in health and wellbeing.

This is not about fear.
It’s about care.
And it’s about acting before the damage becomes something we are trying to undo for decades to come.